


Overwatch is a disaster.

by Daxim



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Chatlog, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Fluff, Genji Shimada is a Little Shit, Humor, I haven't decided yet, Multi, Will tag relationships as they appear, chatfic, don't expect anything serious, hanzo shimada is eternally frustrated with him, if they appear, shitposting, the world needs more chat fics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 06:25:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8522026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daxim/pseuds/Daxim
Summary: Hana starts a group chat to find a thief. As with all things involving Overwatch agents, it rapidly descends into chaos. Will Hanzo and Genji ever get along? Will there be an end to the destruction of property? Probably not, I mean, have you met these people?





	1. Do the dew

**[D.VA] created [WHO THE FUCK TOOK IT I SWEAR TO FUCK]**

**[D.VA] added [GENJI], [PHARAH], [MCCREE], [76], [REAPER], [TRACER], [ANA], [MERCY], [LUCIO], [ZENYATTA], [SYMMETRA], [REINHARDT], [ZARYA], [WINSTON], [ROADHOG], [BASTION], [HANZO], [MEI], [TORBJORN], [WIDOWMAKER] and [JUNKRAT] to [WHO THE FUCK TOOK IT I SWEAR TO FUCK]**

 

D.VA: ONE OF YOU FUCKERS IS GOING TO DIE

 

**[MERCY], [76], [ANA], [LUCIO], [JUNKRAT], [GENJI], [HANZO], [SYMMETRA], [MEI] and [ZENYATTA] joined [WHO THE FUCK TOOK IT I SWEAR TO FUCK]**

 

MERCY: Oh my...

76: Watch your mouth, kid.

D.VA: I WILL NOT WATCH MY MOUTH, I AM GOING TO MURDER SOMEBODY

ANA: lol

JUNKRAT: HOPE ITS ME HAHA

ZENYATTA: What troubles you, my child?

D.VA: SOMEONE STOLE MY LAST BOTTLE OF MOUNTAIN DEW

D.VA: OH MY GOD WHY

GENJI; not me

GENJI; i can't drink

HANZO: Your life is the better for it.

GENJI: Hanzo.

HANZO: Yes.

GENJI: Shut up.

HANZO: Ok.

D.VA: BETTER FUCKING OWN UP, I'M READY TO FLIP

MERCY: Hana, carbonated drinks are not good for your health. If you want to remain in peak physical condition, it's probably to your benefit that you've misplaced it.

D.VA: Oh my god

D.VA: I really don't care

LUCIO: Come on, whoever took it just own up to it. Hana scares me when she's mad...

D.VA: damn right I do

D.VA: bitch

JUNKRAT: SHIT

**[JUNKRAT] left [WHO THE FUCK TOOK IT I SWEAR TO FUCK]**

D.VA: angela

D.VA: get the med bay ready

**[D.VA] went idle.**

MERCY: Why do I always end up dealing with the fallout of people's petty disputes?

GENJI: you're the only one of us who's not an idiot

SYMMETRA: How rude.

MEI: Hey! :'(

GENJI: ok ok you're all smart too

GENJI: but like

GENJI: you're not angela smart

**[MCCREE] joined [WHO THE FUCK TOOK IT I SWEAR TO FUCK]**

 

MCCREE: howdy

MCCREE: why do we have a group chat now?

MCCREE: and why is jamison crying in the corridor

LUCIO: omg

ANA: scroll up fam

MCCREE: woah there

MCCREE: i love overwatch

HANZO: Why.

SYMMETRA: I concur with Hanzo; all I see is chaos.

MEI: Overwatch is great!! These lot can just be a bit silly sometimes, but it's all in good fun! (＾◡＾)

**[TRACER] joined [WHO THE FUCK TOOK IT I SWEAR TO FUCK]**

TRACER: Oi oi saveloy

GENJI: why

TRACER: wot

GENJI: stop

TRACER: ...

GENJI: don't

TRACER: SPUD

TRACER: BANGERS AND MASH

GENJI: STOP

TRACER: BLIMEY GUV'NA

GENJI: **@HANZO** HELP

HANZO: Hello.

HANZO: Genji.

GENJI: Hanzo.

HANZO: We are in the same room. Why do you not simply speak aloud.

GENJI: are you really in a position to judge me

GENJI: you know

GENJI: because you  **MURDERED ME**

HANZO: You are not making me less inclined to do so again.

ANA: oooooo

TRACER: bloody hell

GENJI: please lena

TRACER: ;) 

**[D.VA] is no longer idle.**

D.VA: wow

LUCIO: HANA WHAT HAPPENED

D.VA: jesus

D.VA: so i caught up with the fucker

D.VA: he was carrying my dew like he fucking owned it

SYMMETRA: Thieves are a low form of scum.

D.VA: exactly

D.VA: so i'm chasing him around, we get to the practice range

D.VA: and as we go through the doorway

D.VA:  **@76** fucking TACKLES him to the ground out of nowhere

LUCIO: NO WAY

D.VA: i know man

D.VA: he gives me my dew back and gives jamison a lecture about how he's not a freelancer anymore and he has to cooperate with his teammates

76: I can't abide lawbreakers. 

D.VA: THANKS DAD

76: Don't call me that.

 

**[WINSTON] joined [WHO THE FUCK TOOK IT I SWEAR TO FUCK]**

WINSTON: Oh my god

ANA: LOL

WINSTON: Oh my

WINSTON: GOD

MCCREE: u ok 

WINSTON: You know we saved the world once

ANA: I was there

ANA: It was sweet

HANZO: It is hard to believe that Overwatch was once such a strong force. Since the recall, I have witnessed nothing but incompetence and stupidity.

ANA: thank you

GENJI: take the stick out of your ass brother

HANZO: What makes you think I have a stick inside of my anus. What purpose would that serve.

LUCIO: Hanzo

LUCIO: Buddy

LUCIO: No offense, but you're just tragic

HANZO: Ok.

GENJI: you murdered me

HANZO: Really.

HANZO: I wonder why anyone would ever try to hurt you, Genji.

ANA:

 

HANZO: What is this

GENJI: OH MY FUCKING GOD ANA 

GENJI: It's actually really accurate too

HANZO: Why did you create this

ANA: why did you kill your brother

LUCIO: grandma has no chill

HANZO: I regret everything.

WINSTON: I feel like the recall was a mistake.

ANA: quiet harambe

GENJI: lol


	2. this is a mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise surprise, more bickering between the Shimadas.  
> Ana is 60 with the mind of a 17 year old.  
> Hanzo is judgemental.  
> Winston regrets everything.

GENJI: and that's when he stabbed me

D.VA: no shit?!

GENJI: absolutely serious 

D.VA: dude

D.VA: not cool

HANZO: Why are we still talking about this.

ANA: it's funny shit

GENJI: rude

ANA: what

ANA: your suffering amuses me

MERCY: If you'd seen the state he was in afterwards, I doubt you'd have the same outlook.

GENJI: lol yeah

GENJI: i was all 'look at me i have no limbs'

MERCY: Actually, you were unable to speak.

MERCY: And you were crying.

ANA: pussy

GENJI: say what you want

GENJI: you're not a cyborg ninja

ANA: shit u right

**[REINHARDT] joined [WHO THE FUCK TOOK IT I SWEAR TO FUCK]**

 

REINHARDT: oh shit a chat room

REINHARDT: since when did we have a chat room?

LUCIO: since junkrat stole hana's mountain dew

LUCIO: and she put everyone here to interrogate them

REINHARDT: well that explains the chat name

GENJI: i think we should keep the chat though

ANA: i agree with robocop

GENJI: scuse me

D.VA: having an overwatch chat would be fun

HANZO: Would it.

GENJI: Hanzo.

HANZO: Genji.

GENJI: Handsoap.

HANZO: No. 

REINHARDT: ...anyway

REINHARDT: an overwatch group chat would be AWESOME

SYMMETRA: It would certainly be useful for quickly exchanging information. 

ANA: i think you mean it would be dank as fuck

SYMMETRA: Phrase it how it pleases you.

WINSTON: ytyou dop laflk rreal;sie ahst tship wiaoil emnsd imn diasaetate

GENJI: what

MCCREE: woah there

ANA: u ok harambe

ANA: what's that? you've been shot?

**[D.VA] pinned the message [WINSTON: ytyou dop laflk rreal;sie ahst tship wiaoil emnsd imn diasaetate]**

WINSTON: My apologies.

WINSTON: I was practising with a normal keyboard. I meant to say

WINSTON: You do all realise that this will end in disaster?

ANA: if i didn't realise that i wouldn't be encouraging the group chat

REINHARDT: personally i just want to watch Genji and Hanzo argue

LUCIO: it can be quite entertaining...

D.VA: you're goddamn fucking RIGHT

76: Language

D.VA: jesus dad do you just have a sixth sense for swearing

76: Don't call me that, Hana.

LUCIO: dad

GENJI: dad

MCCREE: dad

76: Stop

TRACER: dad

ANA: dad

REINHARDT: dad

76: Ana and Reinhardt, you're both older than me

ANA: pensionersayswhat

**[GENJI] renamed the chat to [Jack's children]**

MERCY: What even is Overwatch

76: It defies explanation.

**[PHARAH] joined [Jack's children]**

MERCY: Good afternoon Fareeha :)

PHARAH: To you too Angela :)

ANA: oh boy

PHARAH: Hello mother.

ANA: waddup bbygirl

PHARAH: Hello to everyone else, too

GENJI: yo 

76: Hey.

HANZO: Greetings.

D.VA: WHAT

D.VA: THE

D.VA: FUCK

D.VA: IS

D.VA: UP!!

LUCIO: chill

D.VA: bite me

LUCIO: is that optional

ANA: children

ANA: shut the fuck up lol

D.VA: rude

MERCY: How's your leg, Fareeha?

PHARAH: Quite sore

PHARAH: But much better thanks to you :)

GENJI: so subtle

D.VA: what happened to your leg?

PHARAH: I got hit

PHARAH: By one of Hanzo's scatter arrows...

HANZO: What

ANA: is that so

GENJI: brother

HANZO: Brother.

GENJI: was it not enough that you murdered me

GENJI: now you want to murder Fareeha too

 

HANZO: My apologies; it was an unexpected outcome. The trajectory of the scatter arrows is unpredictable.

HANZO: Also I did not murder you. I simply attempted to.

GENJI: oh ok that's fine then

**[ANA] went idle.**

MCCREE: oh boy

MERCY: Uh oh

HANZO: What.

GENJI: i could stop this

GENJI: but i won't

TRACER: good luck hanzo. Someone threw a stone at Fareeha once and Ana broke their legs.

PHARAH: Twice.

TRACER: TWICE

D.VA: gg hanzo

**[HANZO] went idle.**

GENJI: lol

MEI: will she hurt him? :'(

REINHARDT: undoubtedly

MCCREE: he'll probably survive though

**[HANZO] is no longer idle.**

HANZO: HEY I'M HANZO AND I KILLED MY BROTHER FOR POWER

GENJI: me too thanks

PHARAH: Oh lord

HANZO: SIMPLE GEOMETRY 

HANZO: THE DRAGON HUNGERS

HANZO: RYUGA BOOGABOOGABOOGABOOGA

GENJI: accurate

MERCY: Ana, don't hurt him unreasonably. Remember it was an accident.

HANZO: I know lol

HANZO: I just sleepdarted him and I'm going through his search history

D.VA: TELL US EVERYTHING

LUCIO: EVERYTHING

GENJI: EVERYTHING

SYMMETRA: I am intrigued.

D.VA: wait for real?

SYMMETRA: Of course.

D.VA: i don't even know what to think of that

HANZO: oh

HANZO: my

HANZO: FUCK

GENJI: what is it? hentai? 

HANZO:

 

GENJI: What

GENJI: explain this

HANZO:

LUCIO: what

HANZO: HIS COMPUTER IS JUST FULL OF THESE

HANZO: HE'S JUST BEEN JUDGING US ALL AND MAKING MEMES ABOUT US

D.VA: omg

GENJI: somehow i'm proud

HANZO: same actually

SYMMETRA: That was unexpected.

HANZO: shit he waking up

HANZO: time to SKEDADDLE 

PHARAH: Mother

GENJI: I love overwatch

D.VA: it's beautiful

MERCY: To be honest, with all that's already happened in this chat...

MERCY: I don't think anything else will even surprise me.

**[SOMBRA] has entered [Jack's children]**

SOMBRA: Lol

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why thank you for reading ;)  
> I wanted to introduce Sombra early on to get some interaction between her and the rest of the team, especially D.VA, Ana and Genji. The shitposting.  
> Got any ideas for a chapter? I don't plan ahead and I'd love to have this fic built on by the community, so if you've got a suggestion drop it down below.  
> I can't guarantee a steady update schedule, due to a heavy workload at college; but I should be able to get one or two chapters out each week, probably at the weekends.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This is my first attempt at writing fanfiction, so any criticisms or suggestions you can give me would be appreciated; i haven't really got a plan, so I'll take some prompts.  
> This work was inspired by a few other great ones. Give them a read down below;
> 
> 'How do we even save the world like this.' by darknightskye  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/8255887/chapters/18917161 
> 
> 'Overwatch Emergency Communication Channel (I Swear, It's Emergency Only)' by ArcaneAdagio  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/7324573/chapters/16637323
> 
> 'IT'S BASICALLY DISCORD' by hanzo shimada (ubercharge)  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/7544062/chapters/17154502


End file.
